"BITING THE BULLET: REBUILDING INTIMACY AFTER ABUSE"
Written by: Joy Alagoa
If you have ever experienced abuse and have started on the journey to healing, then first, I applaud your courage. Never see yourself as weak. You fought to be free, to be present at this moment, despite all you went through. Take a minute to appreciate yourself for the resilience and the tenacity that makes you a survivor.
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You must believe that rebuilding intimacy after abuse is possible, believing is the first step. But more than just believing, it requires intentionality, patience and understanding. Like puzzles, rebuilding involves gathering scattered pieces, understanding their place and patiently fitting them together to create a new cohesive picture which could be the Mona Lisa face, or in this case wholeness and balance in your relationship.
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No, it won't be an easy fix. It's definitely not a walk in the park, it's a journey. You and your partner must be ready to put in the work. It requires going beyond the surface and being intentional about the connection you both share. Intimacy demands vulnerability. Let your partner know your needs, your thoughts, your fears. Only then can you be seen, heard and understood on a deeper level. Only then can trust be rebuilt.
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You must create a safe space for yourself and your partner. Picture your favorite spot at home, the one that wraps you in comfort and gives you a sense of belonging. Your Relationship should be that safe space. You won't feel jazzed up everyday, on days you are more anxious and vulnerable, your body may be completely off-limits. Communicate this to your partner, talk about your triggers, let them know how they can help. With patience and understanding, you both can make progress, baby steps, one after the other celebrating small victories along the way.
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Kat Wenger and Rev Dubrawska in their article ‘6 tips for intimacy after abuse’ suggest you and your partner establish a safe word that's unrelated to the action, so it can be understood no matter the tone. So, instead of ‘no’ and ‘stop’ try something like ‘hit the brakes’ - a quirky twist to keep things light.
Explore the power of intimacy that isn't sex. Physical closeness covers a range of non-sexual contact from intertwining fingers to finding the best cuddle position. It covers everything from warm embraces, a kiss on the forehead to strolling side by side with arms locked together.
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You are anxious at the thought of intimacy, not because you lack desire but because you are afraid of being hurt. Truth is, a touch without any sexual intention is better at strengthening the bond between you and your partner. While non-sexual touch can occur unconsciously. There needs to be deliberate and intentional effort put into non-sexual touch with non-sexual expectation.
Lastly, seek professional help. Trauma can cause tension and discomfort in the body which could make physical intimacy challenging. Especially if you experience dissociation - a complete disconnect from feelings.
The journey to healing takes courage and patience. I hope you possess both. It's hard work, you must be willing to explore and give it your best.
Pace yourself - push, but not too hard. Be proud of every step you take in this journey, no matter how little